Are You Satisfied With Your Sex Life?

I decided to do something a little different with this blog. Instead of someone asking me a question, I want to ask you a question. “Are you satisfied with your sex life?” When I started on this journey to become a clinical sexologist, coach, and sexual wellness educator, this was a question I was asking myself. The answer was ‘yes.’ I didn’t really have any complaints at all regarding how often, the quality, or the connection I felt to my spouse as a result. As I made my way through the many hours of lectures, books, articles, movies, webinars, and other materials I consumed during my training, I realized something. My response to that question was completely relative to what I knew at the time. I only knew what I knew.

Growing up I wasn’t offered much information about sex, other than if I did decide to do it, I better be prepared to handle any potential consequences on my own. As a budding professional people pleaser, I didn’t dare seek out information to educate myself. Well, that and the fact that the internet was in its infancy at the time. Google came out the year I graduated from high school and digital dancing babies were all the rage. Anything I did learn about sex came from the movies, which were full of inuendo and assumptions as to what was happening. The persistent lack of information and purity culture created a very naïve young Carli that couldn’t even say the word ‘sex’ out loud.

how the brain relates to the body during arousal, how to explore sex in ways that I was embarrassed to even think about before. I wanted to challenge what I knew and open my mind to what could be. I wanted to go beyond being satisfied. And I wanted to support others in doing the same.

Routines are a funny thing. They can be highly satisfying because they are predictable. We know every time what the outcome will be. They are comfortable, they are easy, and they are safe. But sometimes routines get boring. Sex routines are satisfying. They bring us the desired outcome and we feel safe in them. We return to them every time, maybe a little variation here and there. Never too much variation, because what if something goes wrong? Our brains, being the little protectors that they are, don’t like to deviate too much out of routine. New things might be harmful, and we certainly cannot put ourselves at risk of being eaten by the proverbial tiger. But what happens when sex routines start to get boring?

Being bored with your sex life is completely normal. It happens to the best of us. Things are going along nicely, everyone is happy, and then, one day, it just doesn’t hit quite the same. I found myself thinking about other things during sex, or avoiding it all together. I even started to wonder if having a different partner would make it exciting again. It wasn’t that the sex was bad because it was still satisfying. It was that I was just bored with doing the same sex routine all the time, with very little variation. I didn’t realize what I needed was to get out of my comfort zone and to expand my sexual palette. I needed a way to make sex exciting again!

I thought I was satisfied with sex. It turns out, I was only satisfied with the fact that my basic sexual needs were being met. When I finally stepped outside of only knowing what I knew, and began to learn and explore more, I found a new level of satisfaction. One that included options, new ideas, and new routines that could be mixed and matched to create a new experience every time. I discovered what I was and wasn’t comfortable with doing sexually. I discovered ways to be a better lover to my spouse, and to myself. I learned that the key to all of it was knowing what I wanted and speaking up about it. I never would have gotten there if I didn’t ask myself that question. So, I ask again, “Are you satisfied with your sex life?”