Is Oral Sex Evil or Dirty?

Depending on your background, you may have been told that there is one, and only one, way to have sex. The penis goes into the vagina. That’s it. End of story. There is no discussion about many, many other ways that people choose to experience sexual pleasure. First, let me say that I am sorry that you weren’t provided proper education regarding your sexual health and wellbeing. It’s a massive disservice that people are not offered age appropriate, medically accurate, sexual health education. There is no reason any person should enter sexual experiences with the expectation that they should just ‘know’ what to do. While sex is completely natural, we aren’t born with some type of internal how-to manual that magically tells us what to do when we choose to start having sex.

I am going to be fully transparent here and say that the words ‘evil’ and ‘dirty’ brought up some strong feelings for me. In my own upbringing I learned two things about sex. The first is that it was wrong, dirty, and evil unless it was with the person I married. Second is that we didn’t talk about it unless I had questions. However, I didn’t ask many questions because I really had no idea what to ask. You don’t know what you don’t know, you know? After years of deconstructing my own internal belief systems around sex, I have finally come to a place where I feel at peace with who I am as a sexual being.

First and foremost, I invite you to explore your own relationship with your beliefs about sex and where they came from. It is possible that you will discover that these beliefs may not actually be your own, but ones passed on in much of the messaging you’ve received over the years. If these beliefs are no longer serving you, it may be time to let them go and replace them with new belief systems that better align with how YOU feel. However, I also recognize that religious and spiritual beliefs play an important role in the lives of many people. If that is the case for you, I encourage you to explore your feelings within those contexts and do what feels most comfortable for you.

That all said, oral sex can be highly pleasurable for all involved. For female bodied persons, oral sex is one way to provide direct clitoral stimulation. Given that only about 18% of women experience orgasm from penetration alone, clitoral stimulation is key in ensuring women do experience orgasm. Oral sex for female bodied persons also provides the opportunity to experience different, and pleasurable, sensations. For male bodied persons, oral stimulation, i.e. a blow job, offers an alternative to penetration and, like female bodied persons, an experience of different pleasurable sensations. Including oral sex to the sexual mix offers variety as well, especially if sex feels routine. Additionally, if penetrative sex is desired, it is important for women to have at least 20 minutes of warm up time to get fully aroused. Oral sex is a great way to get there.

One of the most important aspects of engaging in oral sex, or any sex for that matter, is communication. Communicating before involves discussions about things like consent, what is and is not desired, comfort levels, if STIs are a concern (yes, you can get an STI from oral), if and what kind of protection is used, oral hygiene, pubic hair (shaved, trimmed, or natural), where ejaculation happens, etc. Communication during provides the giver with information about what does and does not feel good, which results in a more pleasurable experience for the receiver. Communicating afterward offers an additional opportunity to discuss what did and did not feel good and what you’d like to experience more of next time. Communication should always go both ways, be non-judgmental, open, and respectful. The more partners communicate about sex, the more connection they feel.

In closing, I reiterate that no, oral is not evil or dirty. But it is something you should feel comfortable with doing before you do it, as the giver or receiver. If your feelings about oral sex stem from guilt, shame, or embarrassment, it will be important to explore where those feelings come from. If your feelings are tied to religious beliefs, and those beliefs are important to you, do what feels most comfortable for you within the context of your beliefs. Keep in mind too, if you don’t feel comfortable engaging in oral sex and someone is forcing, coercing, or pestering you to engage in it, they are in the wrong. Engaging in any form of sex should always be done with full, enthusiastic, ongoing consent and be between adults.

If you are still feeling hesitant, I’d be happy to talk more about it with you. I offer 1:1 talk only, virtual coaching to help make sex more user friendly and support you to experience the sex you desire. Book an introduction call today!