Much Ado About Nutting…Early

One of the things my clinical sexologist colleagues and I spend our time doing is attempting to correct all the misinformation floating around out there about sex. If you have spent any amount of time on social media, reading blogs, pay attention to any type of media, or just plain not living under a rock, you know what a daunting task this can be. When we come across misinformation, especially when sprinkled with nuggets of medical, psychological or sexological information, it leaves us cringing knowing that people read it and take it as truth. I recently came across one such article.

In this Valentine’s Day article, sportswriter Will Burge describes an exchange with his fiancé in which she showed him a page from the DSM-V* describing delayed ejaculation. He says she turned to him and said “see babe, it’s not a bad thing.” He goes on to say that he quickly realizes that she is not saying he is “providing TOO MUCH pleasure for TOO LONG a period of time”, but that “She was busting my balls for being a two pump chump.” Will then writes that the mere fact that the DSM-V says delayed ejaculation is a disorder, that it means he is mentally healthy for lasting “3 minutes.” He also writes: “That if I lasted all night and made love passionately allowing you to achieve multiple orgasms I would belong in a straightjacket locked away in Arkham Asylum?” Later in the article Will tells women to be careful about what they wish for. That “hour-long dick downs come with a price tag.” He proceeds to put down men that do last longer, calling them a “lunatic”. He says that “busting quick is completely normal.”

Throughout this satire rich article, Will’s message that men are normal even if their penetrative go time is short and sweet is very appreciated. However, I also have my own little PSA. If you and your partner are satisfied with your between the sheets party time, it’s all normal. That being said, no man should ever feel shamed for how short or long they last. Nor should women feel guilt or shame for desiring penetrative, penis in vagina sex that lasts longer. Or, for that matter, for the length of time it takes for them to experience orgasm. 

“If you and your partner are satisfied with your between the sheets party time, it’s all normal.”

Before I address what was not quite right, I want to acknowledge what was right. Kudos to Will for including a video produced by Planned Parenthood that briefly offered advice on how to stop ejaculating too fast. It offers suggestions, such as: talking to your partner openly and honestly about concerns with early ejaculation, asking your partner if there is anything else you can do help them enjoy sex more, get to know your body to incorporate the stop/start method before you hit the ejaculation point, and use of condoms to dull sensation (also important for preventing STIs and pregnancy). All excellent advice. Keep in mind though, if you and your partner are happy with the way things are, there is no need to rock the boat, at least not any more than you already are. Will also suggests having a vibrator handy. While he does not state it in his article, vibrators are excellent for providing clitoral stimulation, something all but about 10% of women need to experience orgasm.

Now, on to where this article didn’t quite hit the mark. The very first picture is of the DSM diagnostic criteria for delayed ejaculation. What is misrepresented in the article is, despite the diagnostic criteria being provided, a DE diagnosis is not based on the length of time a person is able to engage in penetrative sex before experiencing ejaculation. The truth is, there is no specific normative time for how long a person lasts before ejaculation. The DSM diagnosis criteria are based primarily on whether the person experiencing it desires the delay. So, sorry to say Will, a person desiring to last longer with a partner that also desires the same does not belong in a straight jacket. Unless they want to, of course.

As to the assertion that men that take too long are thinking of business card stock, eh, maybe, but probably not. As with everything, experiencing the sex you want takes practice, slowing down, communication and a focus on pleasure, not the finish line. People that desire to last longer do these things on the regular. They may be focusing on deep breathing, what they are feeling, slowing down, listening to cues from their partner and whether they are reaching the point of no return. For those seeking methods to extend their penetrative play, I have many fabulous sex coach colleagues that can help. They can be located here: https://worldassociationofsexcoaches.org/ If you are interested in working with me directly, go here to find out how.  

The last bit I want to address is only halfway incorrect. Toward the end he mentions Stu Feiner’s 15/15/30 method, which I looked up as it was new to me. This method suggests “15 minutes of eating ass, 15 minutes of licking clit, and 30 minutes of fucking.” I would not encourage anyone to use only this method, please communicate with your partner and ask what they desire. It is, however, important to incorporate foreplay/loveplay/pleasure play before penetration. Why? Women take more time to reach peak arousal. This means they need to experience erotic touch, sensual massage, manual/oral stimulation, dirty talk, erotica or whatever they need to make them sufficiently aroused to be ready for penetration. The great news is that you both get to play the body game and explore, prolonging pleasurable sensations for much longer than penetration may last. Also, I want to point out again that at least 90% of women need clitoral stimulation to experience orgasm. At the end of the day, if orgasm is what your partner desires, and they need clitoral stimulation, no amount of penetration on its own is going to get her there.

The bottom line is if you and your partner are satisfied with the sex you are having, then that is all that matters. If not, there are a whole host of sex coaches and sex therapists out there available to help you on your journey to having the sex you want to have. And finally, yes Will**, I do agree, no one should hold themselves to any unrealistic standards, even ones that say men lasting too long is abnormal.

*DSM-V is the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, 5^th edition

**If you are reading this Will, thanks for the opportunity to clarify some things about sex and sexuality. You are well respected in our house, next time though, feel free to reach out, I’m happy to offer clarification on sexual matters.