In my last blog I responded to the first of two questions submitted to Your Pocket Sexpert ™, “Is it common for men to have an increased sex drive as they age?” In it, I indicated that desire to have sex fluctuates over time, sometimes people want it more, and sometimes want it less. There is no set standard, or norm, for any person when it comes to how often, or how little a person wants to have sex. There are many factors that impact sexual desire, either positively or negatively. And it is all unique to each person.
Something that leads one person to want sex more, can lead another to want it less. For example, stress. For some people a stressful day can be a major turn-off and the last thing they want is to engage in any type of sexual activity. However, for others sex is an excellent stress reliever, and it is the first thing they turn to when life gets a little nutty.
Here are some reasons why a person’s sexual desire may decrease as they age.
Life Changes
There are some life changes that have a positive impact on us. Things like retirement, kids going off to college, a better paying job, etc. lead to more freedom with time and/or money. On the flip side, some life changes can impact us negatively. Loss of a job, declining health or death of a parent, more responsibilities at work due to a promotion, kids starting to drive, figuring out how to pay for college, and so on. If you aren’t one of those people that turns to sex for stress relief, these things can deal a major blow to your desire. When life takes a turn for the worse, our bodies and minds suffer. Exhaustion, depression, anxiety, even physical pain or increased medical issues tend to follow. And sex often gets pushed to the bottom of the list, because you just don’t feel like it.
Health
For women, and those assigned female at birth, one major impact to their sexual desire is menopause. Menopause causes various changes to the body that impact both the reproductive system and sexual organs. It significantly impacts both mental and physical health. Some of the things a woman may experience that have a direct impact on desire are: vaginal dryness, changes in hormones and estrogen levels, increased irritability for no reason, depression, hot flashes, changes in appearance, night sweats, and thinning of the vaginal wall. This can be an especially difficult time for a woman, her body may no longer feel or work the same as it used to. Because of vaginal dryness and a thinner vaginal wall, sex may be painful, or more painful, than it used to be. It becomes more difficult to lose weight and feelings may be all over the place. She just may not feel sexy anymore, which leads to decreased desire.
It’s no secret that as we age our bodies start changing. We no longer pop out of bed in the morning (not that I ever did), but instead must slowly get things warmed up and moving before we even set our feet on the floor. Knees, shoulders, hips, and backs all seem to come up with new aches and pains we never knew existed. Foods we used to gobble down with no issue suddenly make our stomachs churn and our hearts burn. Our conversations begin to consist of discussing our laundry list of new medical conditions. When we don’t feel good physically, we don’t feel good mentally. And when we don’t feel good physically and mentally, we don’t want to have sex.
Medications
Along with that laundry list of new medical conditions sometimes comes a cabinet full of prescriptions. And with those prescriptions come side effects. It is highly possible that a sudden decrease in desire for sex could be due to that new prescription medication. If you think your decrease in desire is due to medications, I highly recommend discussing your concerns with your medical doctor. Medications to treat mental illnesses can also have an impact on your desire for sex and should also be addressed with the person that prescribed them.
Relationship Status
Desire for sex is quite often correlated with the health of a relationship. When a person feels unheard, disconnected, judged, unsafe, frustrated, unsupported, and/or resentful, it will be difficult for them to feel a strong desire for sex. If there are any major concerns or challenges within the relationship outside the bedroom, it will lead to concerns or challenges in the bedroom.
Sometimes it may not even be the relationship with a partner that is the concern, but the relationship with self. An overall persistent negative self-image can wreak havoc on a person internally, which will spill over into their relationship with a partner. Insecurities about the body, personality traits, income status, intelligence, and so on, play a major role in how sexy someone feels. Self-loathing can lead to some pretty heavy performance anxiety.
Boredom
Yes, it’s true, sometimes sex just gets boring. Another, slightly more polite term, for this is sexual scripts, or essentially, same sex, different day. It’s a common thing to fall into, especially when time is limited or there is a threat of kids bursting in. Our brains love habits and routines. That means we don’t have to use too much brain power, and the brain knows everything is safe. On the other hand, sometimes those lovely habits and routines get old and stale. A decrease in desire for sex could just mean it’s time to shake things up a little bit.
As with Part 1, this isn’t an exhaustive list. If there is a concern about a partner’s decreased interest in sex, my best advice is to have a chat with them about it. If you aren’t quite sure how to do that, check out my resource, Communicating Confidently. It offers steps and tips on how to communicate with a partner about sex. Still have concerns? Complete an inquiry form today to see if coaching may be right for you. Peace, love, and pleasure!
Carli Guzowski is a Certified Sex Coach, Clinical Sexologist, Sexual Health, and Wellness Educator, and Pleasure/Kink Activist. She is owner of Unwinding Pleasure, where her main mission is to spread messages of peace, love, pleasure, and acceptance for all. She supports her clients in recognizing the role pleasure plays in leading a more fulfilling, empowered, healthy, and joyful life. She offers Sex/Intimacy Coaching, and Sexual Health/Wellness Education and Workshops. In her free time, Carli enjoys gardening, fast cars, adventures with her family, and sparkly boots.