To See a Sex Coach, Or Not to See a Sex Coach…That is the Question

In a previous blog I discussed what a sex coach is, my journey to becoming one, and a little about what I do. As I near graduation from Sex Coach U (SCU) and delve in to offer coaching services, I figure I should provide some information on reasons people might seek out a sex coach. First, a quick refresher on what sex coaching is. Sex coaching combines clinical sexology and life coaching to help people reach desired personal outcomes. It is a mix of education and aspects of counseling where we work together to discuss your concerns, identify potential blockages to healing, and identify a plan to move forward in reaching your goals. It is important to note that coaching is not therapy. It is different in the sense that therapy deals with healing the past, where coaching takes you from where you are now and moves you forward. 

“For a good part of the population, talking about sex can bring up some deep-seated feelings of shame, guilt, discomfort, embarrassment, and many other negative feelings.”

For some, talking about sex with a partner or friend can feel extremely uncomfortable. For others, it just simply isn’t done. Then, for others, it is something done only with the most trusted confidants. And, then there are those that have no difficulty talking about it at all. For a good part of the population, talking about sex can bring up some deep-seated feelings of shame, guilt, discomfort, embarrassment, and many other negative feelings. These feelings come from years of negative sex/pleasure messaging that we receive from birth on up. How many of you remember adults whispering the words ‘sex’, ‘penis’, or ‘vagina’ during conversations, if they were even mentioned at all? We are bombarded daily with negative words and imagery associated with sex, pleasure, and our bodies. We are told it is ‘bad,’ ‘dirty’, ‘sinful’, ‘leads to STIs’, ‘makes you impure’, or ‘wrong to enjoy it too much’. This has led to generation after generation of people that burry their thoughts, concerns, and feelings around sex and pleasure deep within themselves. When questions or concerns come up, we assume we must be on an island where we are the only ones experiencing what we are experiencing. While we have access to gobs of information via internet searches and social media, it can be quite difficult to sift out what is accurate information vs bogus advice.

So, here we are again at the question of why someone might seek out the support of a sex coach. Here are 10 common reasons:

1. Low desire. If you are old enough to have watched the original Top Gun movie (yes, I’m showing my age) you will recall a scene where they sing ‘You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feeling’. While sex does not always involve love, the loss of the desire to have sex is a thing. It’s a very common and normal thing that can happen to anyone, for a variety of different reasons.

2. Orgasm inconsistency. This is a concern that can impact anyone. It can be very frustrating when orgasm happens when it is not desired, either too soon, not soon enough, only in certain circumstances or not at all.

3. Arousal inconsistency. This encompasses a variety of different concerns, but again is something that can impact anyone. This can be concerns about raising or sustaining an erection, lack of vaginal lubrication, challenges getting ‘in the mood,’ or any other challenges around becoming and staying aroused.

4. Body image. Sometimes the mere thought of being naked with the lights on in front of someone else can lead to strong feelings and emotions, many of which turn us away from a partner, rather than toward them. How we feel about our bodies can have a significant impact on our ability to feel sexy.

5. Our minds. The brain is the largest sex organ in the body but can also get in the way. Some people have difficulty staying present during sex. Remember all of that previously mentioned negative messaging? Our brains sometimes find sex to be a great time to bring up every single negative message we received about sex, and about ourselves.

6. Communication. Communicating can be difficult sometimes, especially when we have to talk to other people. In all seriousness though, communication breakdowns and blockages happen, especially when it comes to sex/pleasure. For some, just the thought of talking about fantasies, desires, and needs around sex can feel quite uncomfortable and embarrassing.

7. Knowledge. Let’s face it, being good at something takes practice, knowledge, and the ability to be flexible when things don’t always go as planned. It’s the same with sex. So many of us have been the unlucky receivers of little to no sex positive education or information. The expectation is that we are just supposed to ‘know’ what to do. Many of us didn’t, or don’t.

8. Life changes. Life happens, and when it does, it impacts everything, including our sex lives. Whether it is rekindling desire, reconnecting with a partner, rediscovering your sexual self, getting back out there, recovering from illness, a new baby, loss, or whatever life happening looks like for you, it quite often finds its way into sexy time. This can include solo sexy time.

9. Uneven desire. This is a common concern in relationships. One person’s desired frequency for sex does not match their partner’s.

10. Exploration. Sometimes the internet feels like a black hole when you want to explore new things. Sometimes it sends you in unexpected directions. Sex coaches can act as a great resource for learning about things you want to know more about when it comes to all things sex.

This is just a basic list; you may have something else that you are curious or concerned about when it comes to your personal sexual outcomes.

Now that you are more familiar with the reasons why to seek out a sex coach, here are some things to keep in mind when seeking one out. First, ask for their credentials. Are they certified? Sex Coach U, and other similar programs, provide a significant amount of both sexilogical and coaching training to ensure their graduates provide clear, safe, ethical support to their clients. Second, they are transparent about their credentials and do not do anything outside the scope of their credentials. Good coaches refer out to other service providers when appropriate, such as therapists, medical professionals, or other health/wellness practitioners. Third, use a reputable organization like the World Association of Sex Coaches to seek out sex coaches. Third, work with someone that you feel comfortable with. If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t, and that’s OK. There are lots of different sex coaches out there that have different coaching styles, specialties, strengths, and personalities. Most coaches have a discovery call prior to taking on a client. This is the time when both coach and potential client can get to know each other and decide if it is a good fit.

Sex coaches offer a non-judgmental, safe, open, authentic, and objective space for people to talk about their most delicate, personal, and private sexual concerns. We are here to support you in unwinding the parts that may be hidden, out of shame and fear, deep down inside of you. We are here to guide, support, and educate. The thought of talking to someone about the most intimate parts of you can feel really anxiety inducing. That is completely normal. Doing something new, and maybe even scary, often feels that way. You may find that, after reading this, sex coaching may not be for you, and that’s OK too. If it does feel like something you’d like to explore, click here to find out more about my services.

Carli Guzowski is a Certified Sex Coach, Clinical Sexologist, Sexual Health, and Wellness Educator, and Pleasure/Kink Activist. She is owner of Unwinding Pleasure, where her main mission is to spread messages of peace, love, pleasure, and acceptance for all. She supports her clients in recognizing the role pleasure plays in leading a more fulfilling, empowered, healthy, and joyful life. She offers Sex/Intimacy Coaching, and Sexual Health/Wellness Education and Workshops. In her free time, Carli enjoys gardening, fast cars, adventures with her family, and sparkly boots.