Which Taboo Acts Would Bring the Most Pleasure for My 50+ Wife if She Would Only Try It?

I really appreciate this question, as a sexual health educator, sex coach, and as a wife. Taking such an interest in your wife’s pleasure is the first step, and you already have that covered.

What I’m about to say next, though, may seem like a letdown. I promise you though, I will explain why moving forward with this mindset will support you far more than me just randomly suggesting taboo acts. There is no one size fits all when it comes to sex because pleasure is personal.

Netflix has a fantastic show that my husband and I have been enjoying lately called Sex Education. The show follows the story of a young man, Otis, as he navigates life as an adolescent male trying to navigate school, sex, puberty, all while being the son of a sex therapist. In one of the episodes Otis seeks the advice of his friend Ruthie, a lesbian, after a failed attempt at fingering his girlfriend, Olla. Otis used a technique he finds online that is supposed to be guaranteed to bring her immense pleasure. After demonstrating some very awkward poking and jabbing on an orange for Ruthie, she says one of my favorite lines in the show, “There’s no magic technique that works with all women. Every orange is different, but you shouldn’t be asking me, you should be asking your girlfriend. Tune into her orange.” I am pretty sure I shouted a resounding, “YES!” after hearing that.

Just like people are all unique in what kinds of food, music, movies, styles of clothing, etc. they enjoy, so too are the differences in what a person enjoys sexually. What makes one person scream with pleasure may make another person squirm in discomfort. Put a pizza with mushrooms on it in front of my husband and he will be delighted. Put it in front of me and I’ll be spending the next 10 minutes picking every single one of those gross fungus pieces off and chucking them in the compost. As Emily Nagoski says in her book Come as You Are, we are all made of the same parts, just organized in a different way. And those parts happen to also like different things.

What’s the most amazing thing to bring into the bedroom, the thing that will bring the most pleasure to everyone involved? If you’ve read any of my other blogs, you may have an inkling of what I am going to say next. Yep, it’s good ole’ communication. Repeatedly throughout my studies at Sex Coach U, no matter what the topic was, communication kept coming up, and for good reason. It really is key to a healthy, pleasurable, exciting sex life. To help facilitate open communication and to get the conversation going about taboo acts, I highly recommend using yes/no/maybe lists, like this one that I have recommended previously. This is especially helpful for people that haven’t really explored taboo acts previously. Or if you already have some ideas of things you’d like to try, you can create your own by using my Pleasure Palette Playsheet.

When introducing a desire to try new things in the bedroom, especially for someone that is reluctant to try them, is to start out simple. Follow the lead of your partner and proceed based on her comfort level. New things can feel scary in the brain and the body, and going big too soon can turn a person off completely to trying anything else. It can be especially daunting when a person has grown up with any kind of sex negative messaging or belief that taboo sex acts are ‘dirty’ or ‘wrong’. Sometimes starting out simple might just be going to a sex toy shop, learning more about it through books or videos, or just having a conversation about what it is. When it gets to the point of trying it out, again, go slow and tune into your partner.

A myth that I have encountered over and over again is that a person is responsible for their partner’s pleasure. In reality, we are all responsible for our own pleasure. And it all, again, goes back to communication. In this case, it is opening up during sex that is important. If you and your partner are trying something new, it is up to each of you to speak up during the experience about whether it is enjoyable or not. It can be something as simple as faster, slower, to the right, offering to demonstrate, or guide the other person’s hand. Or it can be speaking up and saying when something doesn’t feel good or hurts. Not only are we in control of our own pleasure we are also in control of our discomfort. When a person doesn’t speak up about something not feeling good, it is that much longer they will experience the discomfort.

If you want to bring pleasure to your partner, it is so very important to recognize that they are the expert on their body and how it feels. I am a product of the “That didn’t really hurt” generation. And, let me tell you, sometimes it really did. I would get so frustrated when people would purposely smack me on the back or arm, then tell me it didn’t hurt when I said it did. It’s my body! It can be difficult to hear when someone tells us they don’t like what we are doing, especially when we want so badly to please them. This is a good time to give ourselves a gentle reminder that we can’t improve anything if we don’t allow any feedback, good or bad. And, just like your partner is responsible for her pleasure, you are responsible for yours. Speaking up goes both ways.

If pleasure and taboo acts were a one size fits all, there would be no need for sex coaches, sex therapists, lube, sex toys, erotica, or anything like that. There would be no variation, no uniqueness, no curiosity. Every body would be just like every other body. But we are all different, and sometimes I think that’s what makes sex so much fun. We get to explore, try new things, grow sexually, and connect with our partners in new and exciting ways. And, if you still have questions or aren’t sure how to proceed, feel free to complete an inquiry form to set up a free 30-minute introduction call with me. I offer virtual, talk-only coaching to support people in making sex more user friendly so they can have the sex they desire.

Carli Guzowski is a Certified Sex Coach, Clinical Sexologist, Sexual Health, and Wellness Educator, and Pleasure/Kink Activist. She is owner of Unwinding Pleasure, where her main mission is to spread messages of peace, love, pleasure, and acceptance for all. She supports her clients in recognizing the role pleasure plays in leading a more fulfilling, empowered, healthy, and joyful life. She offers Sex/Intimacy Coaching, and Sexual Health/Wellness Education and Workshops. In her free time, Carli enjoys gardening, fast cars, adventures with her family, and sparkly boots.